Quick Tip: Why Self-Compassion is an Effective Motivator

Did you know that self-compassion can actually be an effective motivator, in spite of the misperception that if we’re too nice to ourselves, we won’t accomplish anything?

This is a pretty common misperception—that the harder we are on ourselves, the more likely that we’ll achieve the goal or the less likely that we will fail.

This may not necessarily be a conscious mindset. In fact, a lot of times we’re not aware that we’re thinking this way because the habit is so ingrained.

It may present as an inner drill sergeant who is constantly critiquing or admonishing us or consistently driving us to work harder, longer, faster, as if we are not good enough and need to constantly be improving.

If we’ve lived with this drill sergeant for a while (maybe our whole lives), then we can become almost dependent on it, thinking that we are not capable of achieving without an inner voice essentially yelling at us and keeping us on point.

The Cost of Constant Critiquing

The downside of this type of mindset, however, is that it can contribute to perfectionism, anxiety, stress, depression and low self-esteem because we are essentially beating ourselves up.

It’s not wrong to want to improve or achieve things, but the way in which we get there cannot only affect our wellbeing but it can also ironically affect the outcome.

For example, if we achieve a goal, like getting a promotion at work, but the way we did that is by being really hard on ourselves, then we may struggle to feel confident in the new position. We might second-guess whether we really deserve the promotion.

Or, we might even tell ourselves that it’s not enough, that the promotion is not enough, and we have to continue to strive for more without enjoying the fact that we did get a promotion, we achieved our goal.

If, on the other hand, we take a more self-compassionate or kind approach toward ourselves when working toward the promotion, we’re more likely to believe and feel confident in what we’ve achieved. 

Building Resilience

Another important effect of self-compassion is that it can act as a buffer against challenges and disappointment, which are often inevitable on the journey of life.

Because the kinder we are to ourselves, the easier it is to get back up if we’ve fallen down or taken a few steps backward. 

If we’re berating ourselves for perceived failure, it can bring up feelings of shame, or feelings that there’s something wrong with us, which make it so much harder to believe in ourselves, which is exactly what we need to push through obstacles.

There’s also research that has shown that self-compassion can help build resilience. 

For example, a study published in 2023 found that college athletes who practice an online self-compassion intervention were more likely to see improvements in perceived performance and to experience lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress compared to their cohorts who did not use the intervention. 

You can also hear more about the benefits of self-compassion in a previous episode of this podcast called ‘From Panic to Passing’ in which test anxiety expert and coach Tina Wiles explains how being kind to ourselves can help to reduce stress and increase performance in high pressure situations like standardized test taking. 

Essentially what the research and even a lot of first hand experience shows is that the kinder we are to ourselves, the better we’re going to feel and we’re more likely to perform better, which sounds obvious but many of us are not always doing it, so it’s much easier said than done. 

What to Try

If you struggle with self-compassion or want to implement it more, one way to try to incorporate it more is to really pay attention those times when you really beat yourself up.

It doesn’t have to be anything big, maybe you’re really hard on yourself if you forget something, make a mistake at work, forget someone’s name when you’re talking to them, whatever it might be that really brings out the inner critic. 

If you can pinpoint one or two of these examples, see if you can catch the criticism or judgement and write it down if that feels OK. And then a few hours later or few days later, whatever feels comfortable, go back to what you wrote and see now with time and distance if you can change it to something more kind or at least generous. What is something that you would tell a friend or loved one in the same situation. 

Write that down as well and then the next time you’re in a similar situation and notice that you’re being hard on yourself, see if you can remember the kinder statement that you had written down or some variation of it. And as much as you can, practice leaning into the kinder approach to yourself. 

It can take a lot of practice to not only catch when we’re being hard on ourselves but to also choose a different response, a kinder response. But because the brain is plastic and trainable we can eventually default to a kinder approach to ourselves. 

And again, when we are kinder to ourselves, we feel better, and when we feel better, we tend to feel more resilient and confident. 

*Disclaimer: The information contained in this episode is for the sole purpose of being informative and is not considered complete. It should not replace consultation with a qualified professional.